Here's the new episode of my children's story, its title is "Enter the Muggy"
Meanwhile in the Murray headquarters...
Meanwhile in the Murray headquarters...
Proverbs/Stories
- Thread starter britbox
- Start date
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I'm very sorry to disappoint you but I don't think your children's story is suitable for children as you use too many swear words which decent parents don't want children learning but they end up learning anyway. I think your story would be suitable for the humour or adult comic section of a book shop though as it is funny though I don't always agree with what your saying. I don't always disagree either.Here's the new episode of my children's story, its title is "Enter the Muggy"
Meanwhile in the Murray headquarters...
I know this is an old story of mine but I got some constructive criticism on it so wanted to change it, unfortunately I didn't have the privilege of editing as it's an old 1 so I've re-copied & pasted so I could edit.
Horseland
Once upon a time there was a very old king who had a long, grey beard & moustache. He was called Harry. This king lived in a palace of pure crystal that sparkled & flashed in the sunlight like a great, big block of pure ice. The palace stood in a great, big garden & in this garden where all his people lived because he was such a nice king, there grew oranges, pears & wild cherry trees & tulips, roses & lilies-of-the-valley blossomed there & bright-coloured birds sang. All the birds in his Kingdom were bright-coloured & Pegasus lived there & there were unicorns & ponies, horses & donkeys in Horseland because he used to have a lovely wife called Angela who used to love horses but was turned into a fairy by an old witch who she defeated but could never regain her human appearance & all the other animals had turned into the ones Angela loved most. Pegasus is a winged horse. On nice, bright, sunny days Jack used to ride Pegasus over his palace & garden to admire the lovely view & visit a land a few miles away from him called Beachland where there were lots of lovely sandy beaches & he could paddle in the nice, cool, relaxing water which was that clean you could see the fish swim over your feet or lay on the nice, clean sand which was as white as snow & listen to the birds singing & go to sleep until it got too cold. In the palace gardens were lots of large fountains which sprayed right up to the top of the highest trees you can imagine & 1 of these fountains was a water fountain. There was also an orange juice & apple juice fountain as well as a cola & lemonade fountain. To cap it all, there was a milk fountain & a chocolate fountain. These fountains produced the nicest tasting drinks ever that just quenched your thirst then made you want more.
Harry had only 1 son who was heir to the Kingdom, a little boy aged 7. His name was Mark. He was a good boy & always went to bed early & got up early, he never did anything wrong. Mark had blonde hair & he could play any instrument you can name & he danced & acted well but couldn't sing very well. Every time Mark sung the ice shattered & the birds flew away except the peacock. He was very artistic & very clever indeed.
When Mark got to the age of 16, he went to the neighbouring country which was very similar to the 1 his father ruled but was full of all different kinds of dogs because he used to have a wife who was the wicked witch that Angela had defeated called Eve. Eve's land was under a spell that changed all the other animals into nice dogs until her daughter found a handsome prince to marry. If anyone was ever cruel to the dogs they got turned into dogs themselves. It was called Dogland. Dogland was ruled by a King very much like his father but he only had 1 daughter. This King was called Don. His daughter was called Dawn. Dawn was the same age as Mark but she had dark hair which was very curly. She made mistakes sometimes though & although she was very clever & could sing & act couldn't dance or play any musical instruments. The mistakes she made were due to her not being very good with her hands. She broke cups, saucers & plates every time she washed up. Every time she sung though everything she broke repaired itself. Now as soon as he 1st saw her he fell in love with her & she felt the same way. They both spoke to their parents who agreed to pay for their wedding.
He got married in a kilt suit & had pipers playing at the wedding. She wore a gold dress to the wedding. Her ring was encrusted with every single gem you could mention. They had a gold horse-drawn carriage to take them to the church where they married. The page boys wore formal suits & the brides-maids wore Amethyst coloured silk dresses. Everyone had the biggest party you could imagine afterwards & were so happy & both Kings built a new palace in between the Kingdoms. This palace was solid gold. They assembled a band which made the most beautiful music you could dream of. The band was very successful & made lots of money. They had beautiful children & lived happily ever after.
The end.
All constructive criticism considered & only constructive criticism considered.
Horseland
Once upon a time there was a very old king who had a long, grey beard & moustache. He was called Harry. This king lived in a palace of pure crystal that sparkled & flashed in the sunlight like a great, big block of pure ice. The palace stood in a great, big garden & in this garden where all his people lived because he was such a nice king, there grew oranges, pears & wild cherry trees & tulips, roses & lilies-of-the-valley blossomed there & bright-coloured birds sang. All the birds in his Kingdom were bright-coloured & Pegasus lived there & there were unicorns & ponies, horses & donkeys in Horseland because he used to have a lovely wife called Angela who used to love horses but was turned into a fairy by an old witch who she defeated but could never regain her human appearance & all the other animals had turned into the ones Angela loved most. Pegasus is a winged horse. On nice, bright, sunny days Jack used to ride Pegasus over his palace & garden to admire the lovely view & visit a land a few miles away from him called Beachland where there were lots of lovely sandy beaches & he could paddle in the nice, cool, relaxing water which was that clean you could see the fish swim over your feet or lay on the nice, clean sand which was as white as snow & listen to the birds singing & go to sleep until it got too cold. In the palace gardens were lots of large fountains which sprayed right up to the top of the highest trees you can imagine & 1 of these fountains was a water fountain. There was also an orange juice & apple juice fountain as well as a cola & lemonade fountain. To cap it all, there was a milk fountain & a chocolate fountain. These fountains produced the nicest tasting drinks ever that just quenched your thirst then made you want more.
Harry had only 1 son who was heir to the Kingdom, a little boy aged 7. His name was Mark. He was a good boy & always went to bed early & got up early, he never did anything wrong. Mark had blonde hair & he could play any instrument you can name & he danced & acted well but couldn't sing very well. Every time Mark sung the ice shattered & the birds flew away except the peacock. He was very artistic & very clever indeed.
When Mark got to the age of 16, he went to the neighbouring country which was very similar to the 1 his father ruled but was full of all different kinds of dogs because he used to have a wife who was the wicked witch that Angela had defeated called Eve. Eve's land was under a spell that changed all the other animals into nice dogs until her daughter found a handsome prince to marry. If anyone was ever cruel to the dogs they got turned into dogs themselves. It was called Dogland. Dogland was ruled by a King very much like his father but he only had 1 daughter. This King was called Don. His daughter was called Dawn. Dawn was the same age as Mark but she had dark hair which was very curly. She made mistakes sometimes though & although she was very clever & could sing & act couldn't dance or play any musical instruments. The mistakes she made were due to her not being very good with her hands. She broke cups, saucers & plates every time she washed up. Every time she sung though everything she broke repaired itself. Now as soon as he 1st saw her he fell in love with her & she felt the same way. They both spoke to their parents who agreed to pay for their wedding.
He got married in a kilt suit & had pipers playing at the wedding. She wore a gold dress to the wedding. Her ring was encrusted with every single gem you could mention. They had a gold horse-drawn carriage to take them to the church where they married. The page boys wore formal suits & the brides-maids wore Amethyst coloured silk dresses. Everyone had the biggest party you could imagine afterwards & were so happy & both Kings built a new palace in between the Kingdoms. This palace was solid gold. They assembled a band which made the most beautiful music you could dream of. The band was very successful & made lots of money. They had beautiful children & lived happily ever after.
The end.
All constructive criticism considered & only constructive criticism considered.
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This is the 1st draft of a story I wrote for Halloween. I haven't proof-read or edited it yet.
In a dark, dark galaxy far away lived some aliens who were very intelligent & psychic & azure. They didn't speak to each other because they didn't need to as they always communicated using E.S.P. Their planet was all made up of different shades of red. Everything on their planet was red except the people & their cheese which was green. Their moon was green. They were always looking up at the sky to the nearest planet to them. This planet was blue & green & was made up of all different inhabitants. This planet had woods & seas. On this planet were countries. 1 of these countries had a dragon living at both ends in caves. At 1 end of this country was a red dragon who was wicked & breathed fire. Near his cave lived a wicked witch who had a big, black cat. She was married to an ogre. At the other end of the country was a green dragon who wasn't wicked but he didn't realise he breathed fire & was very upset when he hurt people by breathing on them & burning them. Near his cave lived a good witch who tried to help people. She was married to & lived with a wizard. They used to heal the people the dragon burnt & make him feel better about himself. In the middle there lived lots of normal people, ghosts who were nocturnal & huge, green monsters as well as gorgons like Medusa but with all different species of snakes. These were worse than Medusa as some of them could squeeze you to death like a python, hypnotise you & spit venom on you so you'd die, spit venom in your eye like a cobra & bite you. They were all venomous. There were also mines in this country. Down mines there lived a devil who terrorised people too. This country was always at war because the good witch could never get on with the bad witch.
In a dark, dark galaxy far away lived some aliens who were very intelligent & psychic & azure. They didn't speak to each other because they didn't need to as they always communicated using E.S.P. Their planet was all made up of different shades of red. Everything on their planet was red except the people & their cheese which was green. Their moon was green. They were always looking up at the sky to the nearest planet to them. This planet was blue & green & was made up of all different inhabitants. This planet had woods & seas. On this planet were countries. 1 of these countries had a dragon living at both ends in caves. At 1 end of this country was a red dragon who was wicked & breathed fire. Near his cave lived a wicked witch who had a big, black cat. She was married to an ogre. At the other end of the country was a green dragon who wasn't wicked but he didn't realise he breathed fire & was very upset when he hurt people by breathing on them & burning them. Near his cave lived a good witch who tried to help people. She was married to & lived with a wizard. They used to heal the people the dragon burnt & make him feel better about himself. In the middle there lived lots of normal people, ghosts who were nocturnal & huge, green monsters as well as gorgons like Medusa but with all different species of snakes. These were worse than Medusa as some of them could squeeze you to death like a python, hypnotise you & spit venom on you so you'd die, spit venom in your eye like a cobra & bite you. They were all venomous. There were also mines in this country. Down mines there lived a devil who terrorised people too. This country was always at war because the good witch could never get on with the bad witch.
This is the 1st draft of a sci-fi story I wrote. I haven't edited or proof-read it yet.
It was the year 2525. People's phones were sewn into their clothing. Cancer had almost been cured by a telomerase monitoring system where people monitored their telomerase with a blood testing kit & metre like the ones diabetics use to measure blood glucose levels. If there was too much telomerase in their system they used anti-telomerase injections but if there was too little telomerase in their system they gave themselves a telomerase injection to prevent cardio-vascular diseases. (Telomerase is an enzyme that lengthens telomeres which are the end finger-like structures shown on diagrams of D.N.A. which keep genetic information in cells so it doesn't leak out. Geneticists have found out that the longest living people have the right size telomeres. If telomeres are too short cardio-vascular disease is more likely though obviously life-style factors in. If there is too much telomerase this can cause cancerous cells to grow. Anti-telomerase injections are sometimes used to shrink cancerous cells.) Trains had machines near the door that took payments or scanned tickets but wouldn't let people on had been created. Steam & water-proof spectacles had been invented. It had been thought for a long time that time-travel was impossible because the space-time continuum meant that people could meet their past or future self. Non-carcinogenic x-rays were discovered. However, a quantum leap was made that proved this wrong & sent all relativity theories which had been believed for a long time into the wheeled bin.
Someone created a time-machine & went back to the beginning of time & stopped wars from ever occurring so everyone got on with each other & shared everything & money wasn't necessary because it's just a means of exchange at the end of the day.
Then they went to Jenner's time & brought him into prehistory so he discovered vaccination sooner. Then they went to Avicenna's time & brought him into Galen's time so the true theory of circulation was discovered sooner as was knowledge of how our eyes worked & many other medical theories that Avicenna came up with & found to be true. This also meant that blood groups were discovered sooner so that heart transplants could be done much sooner than they were especially as they ensured anaesthetics were discovered sooner & they brought Joseph Lister back in time so anti-septic surgery was discovered sooner. Louis Pasteur was brought to prehistoric times so pasteurisation was done since time began. They went back in time to when Rontgen discovered x-rays & ensured that he discovered non-carcinogenic x-rays rather than normal ones. They also went back in time & stopped coal & tin-mining from occurring & asbestos from ever being used as insulation.
Then they went back in time to prevent Takhis, Tarpans, passenger pigeons & dodos from ever going extinct & stopped hunting from ever happening.
Then they went back to the future. They had done so much that improved the world but they realised that they hadn't undone all the terrible things that man had done to the planet. The world had been getting increasingly hotter for ages. The North & South poles had been melting for ages & the world was under a huge deluge. All plants except water plants died & the same went for animals.
It was the year 2525. People's phones were sewn into their clothing. Cancer had almost been cured by a telomerase monitoring system where people monitored their telomerase with a blood testing kit & metre like the ones diabetics use to measure blood glucose levels. If there was too much telomerase in their system they used anti-telomerase injections but if there was too little telomerase in their system they gave themselves a telomerase injection to prevent cardio-vascular diseases. (Telomerase is an enzyme that lengthens telomeres which are the end finger-like structures shown on diagrams of D.N.A. which keep genetic information in cells so it doesn't leak out. Geneticists have found out that the longest living people have the right size telomeres. If telomeres are too short cardio-vascular disease is more likely though obviously life-style factors in. If there is too much telomerase this can cause cancerous cells to grow. Anti-telomerase injections are sometimes used to shrink cancerous cells.) Trains had machines near the door that took payments or scanned tickets but wouldn't let people on had been created. Steam & water-proof spectacles had been invented. It had been thought for a long time that time-travel was impossible because the space-time continuum meant that people could meet their past or future self. Non-carcinogenic x-rays were discovered. However, a quantum leap was made that proved this wrong & sent all relativity theories which had been believed for a long time into the wheeled bin.
Someone created a time-machine & went back to the beginning of time & stopped wars from ever occurring so everyone got on with each other & shared everything & money wasn't necessary because it's just a means of exchange at the end of the day.
Then they went to Jenner's time & brought him into prehistory so he discovered vaccination sooner. Then they went to Avicenna's time & brought him into Galen's time so the true theory of circulation was discovered sooner as was knowledge of how our eyes worked & many other medical theories that Avicenna came up with & found to be true. This also meant that blood groups were discovered sooner so that heart transplants could be done much sooner than they were especially as they ensured anaesthetics were discovered sooner & they brought Joseph Lister back in time so anti-septic surgery was discovered sooner. Louis Pasteur was brought to prehistoric times so pasteurisation was done since time began. They went back in time to when Rontgen discovered x-rays & ensured that he discovered non-carcinogenic x-rays rather than normal ones. They also went back in time & stopped coal & tin-mining from occurring & asbestos from ever being used as insulation.
Then they went back in time to prevent Takhis, Tarpans, passenger pigeons & dodos from ever going extinct & stopped hunting from ever happening.
Then they went back to the future. They had done so much that improved the world but they realised that they hadn't undone all the terrible things that man had done to the planet. The world had been getting increasingly hotter for ages. The North & South poles had been melting for ages & the world was under a huge deluge. All plants except water plants died & the same went for animals.
This is a rephrased version of a story I wrote:
In a dark galaxy far away there was a planet where aliens lived who were abnormal relative to our definition of the term "normal". These inhabitants were extremely intelligent with infinite psychic abilities & they were quite confident in their ability to use extra sensory perception which was the only communication method they used. Due to atmospherics & the chemical make-up of the planet almost everything took on different shades of red except their cheese & the moon which were green.
The inhabitants relentlessly looked up at the sky towards the nearest planet to them wondering what like would be like there. That planet was blue & green like our earth & consisted of different inhabitants, plants & animals. It also had roaring seas. There were many countries with different situations due to the indigenous wildlife, dragons, ogres & witches.
One land was bordered on both sides with a dragon living in caves. At one end of this land was a red dragon who was quite wicked & breathed fire. Near his cave lived a wicked witch with a bit, black cat as a pet. She was married to an ogre. At the other end of the country was a good, green dragon. He didn't realise he breathed fire most of the time & was very distraught when he accidentally burnt people by burning them if they got too close. Near his cave lived a good witch who tried to help people. She was married to & lived with a good wizard. They used their abilities to heal the people the dragon burned which made him feel better about himself.
In the countryside there lived many humanoid people, some ghosts who were nocturnal & massive green monsters as well as gorgons like Medusa but with all different species of snakes. These snakes were more malevolent than Medusa as some of the snakes could squeeze you to death like a python or hypnotise then spit venom like a cobra while others bit you. There were many caves in this country too. There was a devil living in one of these caves who also terrorised the people.
In a dark galaxy far away there was a planet where aliens lived who were abnormal relative to our definition of the term "normal". These inhabitants were extremely intelligent with infinite psychic abilities & they were quite confident in their ability to use extra sensory perception which was the only communication method they used. Due to atmospherics & the chemical make-up of the planet almost everything took on different shades of red except their cheese & the moon which were green.
The inhabitants relentlessly looked up at the sky towards the nearest planet to them wondering what like would be like there. That planet was blue & green like our earth & consisted of different inhabitants, plants & animals. It also had roaring seas. There were many countries with different situations due to the indigenous wildlife, dragons, ogres & witches.
One land was bordered on both sides with a dragon living in caves. At one end of this land was a red dragon who was quite wicked & breathed fire. Near his cave lived a wicked witch with a bit, black cat as a pet. She was married to an ogre. At the other end of the country was a good, green dragon. He didn't realise he breathed fire most of the time & was very distraught when he accidentally burnt people by burning them if they got too close. Near his cave lived a good witch who tried to help people. She was married to & lived with a good wizard. They used their abilities to heal the people the dragon burned which made him feel better about himself.
In the countryside there lived many humanoid people, some ghosts who were nocturnal & massive green monsters as well as gorgons like Medusa but with all different species of snakes. These snakes were more malevolent than Medusa as some of the snakes could squeeze you to death like a python or hypnotise then spit venom like a cobra while others bit you. There were many caves in this country too. There was a devil living in one of these caves who also terrorised the people.
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