BOARD TALK
The fastest growing tennis discussion forum on the planet.


Post Reply 
Corny joke thread
Author Message
Clay Death Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 3,280
Likes Given: 62
Likes Received: 125 in 102 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
You might be a REDNECK if...


...you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

[Image: forum%20sig-800_zps8nhvcahj.jpg]
31-Jul-2013 09:38 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Clay Death Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 3,280
Likes Given: 62
Likes Received: 125 in 102 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
You might be a REDNECK if...


...they just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools

[Image: forum%20sig-800_zps8nhvcahj.jpg]
05-Aug-2013 10:16 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
nehmeth Offline
Multiple Slam Winner
********

Posts: 6,966
Likes Given: 4,460
Likes Received: 3,074 in 1,880 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
A pastor wakes up one Sunday morning. It's a glorious day, sunny, cool, no breeze. He feels the golf course beckoning, calls his associate and feigning illness asks him to preach that morning's message. That done, he tosses the clubs in the trunk of the car and heads for the greens.

Meanwhile Jesus and the Father are looking down from heaven watching. As the pastor gets to the first tee, the Father says to Jesus, "Watch this Son!" The pastor strikes a magnificent shot, the ball makes it to the green and rolls 15 feet into the cup. A hole in one!

Jesus watches with great consternation. Once again, the Father speaks, "Now watch this!"

Again the pastor steps up to the tee. Again his club connects with the ball and it sails to the green, this time rolling 30 some feet into the cup. Another hole in one!

No longer able to contain Himself, Jesus says to the Father, "Father, this man of God lied to his associate, skipped church to be here on the links and You've just given him TWO holes in one!"

The Father smiles to His Son and replies, "Yes Son, and he'll never be able to tell a living soul."
05-Aug-2013 10:56 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like nehmeth's post:
britbox (08-05-2013), Broken_Shoelace (08-19-2013), Kieran (08-10-2013), Moxie629 (08-20-2013)
JesuslookslikeBorg Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 4,658
Likes Given: 337
Likes Received: 966 in 695 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
Smile RE: Corny joke thread
Q) why did the gerbil cross the road ?,

A) because it wanted to.

knowing me alan partridge, knowing you tennis frontier..ah ha.
10-Aug-2013 08:58 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 1 user Likes JesuslookslikeBorg's post:
Kieran (08-10-2013)
JesuslookslikeBorg Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 4,658
Likes Given: 337
Likes Received: 966 in 695 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
Smile RE: Corny joke thread
Q) what do you get if you cross a goose with another goose ?.

A) a goose.

knowing me alan partridge, knowing you tennis frontier..ah ha.
10-Aug-2013 09:00 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 2 users Like JesuslookslikeBorg's post:
Kieran (08-10-2013), Moxie629 (08-20-2013)
Kieran Offline
Running around the backhand...
*********

Posts: 11,845
Likes Given: 7,142
Likes Received: 4,714 in 3,119 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up, I was like OMg...
10-Aug-2013 09:06 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like Kieran's post:
1972Murat (08-10-2013), I. Haychew (03-07-2014), shawnbm (09-04-2013), tented (08-10-2013)
Kieran Offline
Running around the backhand...
*********

Posts: 11,845
Likes Given: 7,142
Likes Received: 4,714 in 3,119 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers please!"
10-Aug-2013 10:28 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 7 users Like Kieran's post:
1972Murat (08-18-2013), Broken_Shoelace (08-19-2013), I. Haychew (03-07-2014), johnsteinbeck (08-20-2013), my sherona (10-22-2013), shawnbm (09-04-2013), tented (08-10-2013)
britbox Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 4,798
Likes Given: 984
Likes Received: 2,080 in 1,056 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
My wife says I never lift a finger to help around the house.

So I lifted a finger and used it to point her back towards the kitchen.
17-Aug-2013 07:45 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 1 user Likes britbox's post:
shawnbm (09-04-2013)
britbox Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 4,798
Likes Given: 984
Likes Received: 2,080 in 1,056 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
The electricity company phoned today and said I had an "outstanding account".

Thank you very much, I replied before hanging up proudly.
18-Aug-2013 02:11 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 2 users Like britbox's post:
1972Murat (08-18-2013), tented (08-19-2013)
britbox Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 4,798
Likes Given: 984
Likes Received: 2,080 in 1,056 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
I thought my mate was doing an owl impression when he get saying "Twit", "Who" repetitively.

Turns out he was just reading through the San Diego Chargers roster.
18-Aug-2013 02:15 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 1 user Likes britbox's post:
Didi (08-20-2013)
GameSetAndMath Offline
Potential GOAT
*********

Posts: 12,941
Likes Given: 2,419
Likes Received: 3,364 in 2,371 posts
Joined: Jul 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
An old man was working in Gym with help from a personal trainer at which time
a beautiful young girl walks into the Gym. The old man asks "Trainer,
what machine should I use to impress this young girl"?. The trainer looks
at the frail body of the old man and says "I would recommend the
ATM in the lobby".

"Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference" - Mark Twain
18-Aug-2013 03:27 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like GameSetAndMath's post:
1972Murat (08-18-2013), britbox (08-31-2013), nehmeth (08-18-2013), tented (08-18-2013)
1972Murat Offline
Multiple Slam Winner
********

Posts: 8,602
Likes Given: 2,177
Likes Received: 3,225 in 1,885 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the barman " I would like a beer " and after looking at himself "and a mop please.."

18-Aug-2013 08:30 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 1 user Likes 1972Murat's post:
shawnbm (09-04-2013)
Broken_Shoelace Offline
Multiple Slam Winner
********

Posts: 6,174
Likes Given: 915
Likes Received: 2,590 in 1,545 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
(29-Jul-2013 06:25 PM)Clay Death Wrote:  we needed a joke thread.

Cali's been doing them for years.
19-Aug-2013 01:51 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 5 users Like Broken_Shoelace's post:
1972Murat (08-19-2013), johnsteinbeck (08-21-2013), Moxie629 (08-20-2013), shawnbm (09-04-2013), tented (08-19-2013)
RJD11 Offline
Major Winner
******

Posts: 1,063
Likes Given: 212
Likes Received: 192 in 133 posts
Joined: Jul 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
20-Aug-2013 05:48 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like RJD11's post:
1972Murat (08-20-2013), Moxie629 (08-20-2013), shawnbm (09-04-2013), tented (08-20-2013)
RJD11 Offline
Major Winner
******

Posts: 1,063
Likes Given: 212
Likes Received: 192 in 133 posts
Joined: Jul 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
20-Aug-2013 05:55 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 3 users Like RJD11's post:
1972Murat (08-31-2013), britbox (08-31-2013), shawnbm (09-04-2013)
Didi Offline
Seasoned Pro
****

Posts: 421
Likes Given: 246
Likes Received: 194 in 107 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
What is the definition of endless love?
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
20-Aug-2013 07:58 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 1 user Likes Didi's post:
I. Haychew (03-01-2014)
RJD11 Offline
Major Winner
******

Posts: 1,063
Likes Given: 212
Likes Received: 192 in 133 posts
Joined: Jul 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

“You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome

to heaven!”


The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and

says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
21-Aug-2013 12:26 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 4 users Like RJD11's post:
1972Murat (08-31-2013), britbox (08-31-2013), my sherona (10-22-2013), tented (08-31-2013)
britbox Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 4,798
Likes Given: 984
Likes Received: 2,080 in 1,056 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling “Whoâ€s been screwing my wife?”

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, “You donâ€t have enough ammo, mate!”
31-Aug-2013 11:29 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 8 users Like britbox's post:
1972Murat (08-31-2013), Broken_Shoelace (09-02-2013), I. Haychew (03-01-2014), johnsteinbeck (09-01-2013), Moxie629 (09-03-2013), my sherona (10-22-2013), shawnbm (09-04-2013), tented (08-31-2013)
britbox Offline
Grand Slam Champion
*******

Posts: 4,798
Likes Given: 984
Likes Received: 2,080 in 1,056 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
Two married friends are out drinking on Tuesday night.

One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about some fun" She always pretends she's asleep."
02-Sep-2013 09:49 AM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 5 users Like britbox's post:
HSD (06-19-2014), Moxie629 (09-03-2013), RJD11 (10-22-2013), shawnbm (09-04-2013), tented (09-02-2013)
Moxie629 Offline
Multiple Slam Winner
********

Posts: 9,429
Likes Given: 3,414
Likes Received: 2,277 in 1,599 posts
Joined: Apr 2013
RE: Corny joke thread
A frog walks into a bank. He sits with a banker, a Ms. Patricia Whack. He asks to be given a loan, and offers a small brass Buddah as collateral. He also mentions that his father is Mick Jagger. When Ms. Whack expresses doubt, the frog asks her to call the bank manager, who comes over to hear the story. He seems impressed by the Jagger connection. Ms. Whack, doubtful about the collateral, holds up the small icon and asks, "What is this?"

The bank manager says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(Maybe you have to know the kiddy song.)
03-Sep-2013 09:46 PM
Find all posts by this user Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[-] The following 2 users Like Moxie629's post:
britbox (09-04-2013), shawnbm (09-04-2013)
Post Reply 




User(s) browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)